More Than Just Things

 I’ve always believed that everything around me has feelings. It’s been like that since I was a kid. Back then, I’d make sure all my stuffed animals were laid out on the bed, with none of them left out or hidden. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings by making one feel less important than the others. I slept with them all, so none of them felt alone.

Even now, as an adult, I still think this way. When we replaced our old fridge, I felt this strange guilt, like I was betraying it. I kept thinking, “Does it feel abandoned? Did I just toss it aside for something newer?” It wasn’t just a fridge to me. It had been part of my life for so long. It sounds weird, I know, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that it didn’t deserve to be replaced like that.

I know objects don’t really have feelings, but for some reason, I always connect with them in that way. Maybe it’s because objects don’t judge. They don’t expect anything from me, and they never change. They’re just there, quietly witnessing life happening around them. And sometimes that feels easier than dealing with people who don’t really understand me.

Some of these objects hold memories for me. Like the notebook I still haven’t written in because I’m too afraid of messing it up with my handwriting. Or the scarf I’ve had forever that’s seen me through so many hard days. And then there’s the half-eaten ice cream sandwich I saved in the freezer after my mom passed away. I couldn’t let it go. Even though it’s just a frozen piece of food, it felt like the last connection I had with her.

I know all this sounds strange. You’re probably adding to the “what makes Courtney weird” list. But for me, it’s how I’ve always been. I’ve never felt like I fully fit in with other people, and maybe that’s why I’ve always connected with objects. They feel safe to me. They never change or ask for anything. They just stay, and I guess that brings me comfort.

I wonder if anyone else feels this way. Do other people feel bad when they throw something away? Do they keep things because they feel like those objects hold their stories and memories too? Or is this just me and my way of making sense of the world?

Either way, I find peace in it. While the world around me may be confusing, objects feel simple. They may not have real feelings, but in my heart, they’ve always been more than just things.

Don’t get it twisted. I’m not a hoarder. I know when things need to go, but certain things are harder to let go of than others. Whether they hold a memory or they just served their purpose really well, I always feel some guilt just throwing them away.

My mind often wanders to the land of forgotten toys. All those toys that were once so loved, now abandoned, tossed aside, forgotten in a toy box. My heart hurts for them. To feel such love, and then feel abandoned… that must really hurt.