Motherhood Unplugged

If you’ve ever felt pure joy and absolute chaos at the same time, congratulations—you’ve probably experienced motherhood. It’s a wild ride where you’re a chef, therapist, personal assistant, and detective trying to figure out why everything suddenly got too quiet, or why there are legos strategically placed every where you walk. Spoiler alert: If it’s quiet, you should probably investigate.

You might think you know what to expect, but no one can fully prepare you for the whirlwind that is raising tiny humans. It’s kind of like trying to bake something without a recipe, and you’re missing ingredients.- Chances are it won’t be what your expecting it to be.

The “Mom” Alarm Clock

Remember the days when you could sleep in? Yeah, me neither. In the land of motherhood, your alarm clock isn’t a little box with a snooze button. No, it’s a small child standing two inches from your face, repeating, “I’m hungryyyyy” until you show signs of life.

Or, if you’re really lucky, you’ll be awoken by the sound of bickering, or the distant sound of toys dumping. Either way, your day begins with a wake up call that is abrupt, sudden, and sleeping in doesn’t happen on the weekends either.

Food? What’s That?

In motherhood, meals aren’t really “meals” anymore. They’re scavenger hunts. You might prepare a gourmet dish, but your child will eat exactly none of it. They’ll stare at it like you’ve served them a plate of frog legs, & liver and onions, then ask for a snack 10 minutes later because they are “starving.”

And let’s not forget that your own meals are basically whatever is left after the kids are done—or what you can sneak in while hiding. If you’ve ever eaten cold pizza crust while crouching behind a door, you’re definitely in the club.

The Negotiation Skills of a Hostage Situation

Motherhood is basically one long negotiation with tiny, unpredictable dictators. “If you brush your teeth, I’ll let you stay up for five more minutes.” “Just LICK it and I’ll make you something else” Sound familiar? I’m pretty sure I could negotiate my way out of just about any situation, I’ve gotten so good at negotiating with these tiny humans.

Why Is Everything Sticky?

If you’re a mom, you’ve probably asked this question at least once a day. No one knows why, but everything is sticky. The remote, the couch, your car seats, your hair—it’s a mystery that will never be solved. You just learn to live with it and keep a stack of emergency baby wipes nearby at all times.

On the bright side, you become incredibly skilled at cleaning anything and everything with just a few wipes and a prayer.

The Emotional Rollercoaster

One minute, your kid is hugging you like you’re the best thing that ever happened to them. The next, they’re crying because and I quote they “don’t want to have a buttcrack.” Motherhood is an emotional rollercoaster where you’re laughing, crying, and questioning your life choices all within a 10-minute span.

But in the end, those spontaneous “I love you, Mommy” moments make it all worth it—until someone spills juice on the freshly cleaned floor. Again. Or decides to shred a pile of leaves and bring them inside to “cook with them.”

Somehow, despite juggling a million things, moms still manage to keep everyone alive, fed, and (mostly) clean. That’s true superhero work.

Motherhood is exhausting, hilarious, chaotic, and wonderful all at once. You’ll never sleep the same, you’ll never eat a hot meal again, and you’ll forever find yourself saying things like, “Don’t lick the dog!” But there’s nothing else quite like it. For all the madness, there’s no greater adventure.

So here’s to all the moms out there—who are holding it together with coffee, baby wipes, probably wine, and the occasional cry in the shower. We may not have it all figured out, but we’re doing our best, and that’s more than enough.