Rabbit Hole

 So, I think it’s time I tell you about my scarf. 

Once upon a time when we lived in Korea my oldest sister Kristin was in a school play. In that play, she wore a blue scarf in her hair with white polka dots. A few months after that play, I was in her room one day. I found myself rubbing this scarf. It did something to me, and I can’t even explain. It soothed me. The way it made a “scratchy” sound when I rubbed it, the feeling. The vibrations through my fingertips. It was the best feeling I had EVER felt in my entire life. 

Fast forward, I caught myself sneaking into her room several times JUST to rub this scarf. I would stand at her coat rack thing where it hung, and just rub it for 10-15 minutes. 

One day, I decided I NEEDED this scarf so I took it. I rubbed it to fall asleep, I rubbed it when I watched tv, I rubbed it when I got stressed, I rubbed it all the time. And always brought it with me when I left the house overnight.

The weird thing is, I don’t think she ever questioned me, or got mad that I stole her scarf. I guess she knew I needed it more than she did. 

Fast forward to now. I still have this scarf. It’s dirty, it is in 2 pieces, and has holes all through it. But I still sleep with it every night. I still rub it several times a day, and it’s still just as satisfying as the first time I touched it. 

I didn’t know until like, 5 days ago that this was me stimming. All along I just thought I “liked” it. But it was a huge sign of autism all along. 

I have just been going down this rabbit hole of all of these things that I do that I just thought were “weird” but actually they are autistic traits. Anywho, thought it was interesting I’ve been stimming my WHOLE life, and no one had any idea. 

Until you read again.

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