The Shooting.

 8/7/2021. I was at a bar with the husband. I needed a refill, so I went inside to get one, I came back out to find two guys fighting. 

 8/7/2021. I was at a bar with the husband. I needed a refill, so I went inside to get one, I came back out to find two guys fighting. 

One of them threw a chair it barely missed me. I was close enough to see everything. Usually this kind of thing would trigger me and I would walk away, but I just stood there. One of them pulled out a gun there were two shots, one of them in the guys arm. 

There was screaming, and a stampede. I was in shock. I just stood there. There were people pushing me running past me, someone threw me into a wooden post. Then this really, really big guy grabbed me. He held me. I didn’t say a word, I didn’t move. Finally Calvin was able to get to me. 

The cops came, I was still in shock, I spent the evening between dead silence and sobbing, no in between. They encouraged me to go to the hospital, I didn’t. 

The guy didn’t even die, but that night changed me, forever. Hyper-empathy is real, and I will never unsee what I saw that night. I re-live that night frequently. It haunts me. 

I think part of the reason I am so messed up about it, is the autism. We tend to feel, and process things differently. Thank god that guy didn’t die. I don’t know what kind of shape I would be in. 

But I had a nasty flashback about a month and a half ago. It brought me right back to that bar. And ever since I struggle with leaving the house. I struggle with trusting strangers. 

Even the friendly ones that smile at me, I smile back, but I can’t let my guard down. I can’t relax. Hyper vigilant always. 

Hopefully this won’t be the way that I am, but when you stack all the trauma I’ve been through, this is the mess of a human you are left with. Scared, and untrusting. 

I never really talk about the shooting, or why I don’t leave the house. But I’m not here to only put out the sunshine and rainbows, I’m going to share the rain clouds and thunderstorms too. 

Until you read again. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Pilot

Image
 Hi! I’m Courtney, and this is where I’ll share what’s on my mind and in my heart. A little backstory: I grew up with two learning disabilities and was recently diagnosed with ADHD. Even more recently, I found out I’m autistic (autism level 1). My life has been full of challenges, struggling with things most people don’t even think twice about—social interactions, math, measurements, reading clocks, telling left from right, and so much more. I have two kids, my sun and my moon, who get me up every day—literally and figuratively. They’re my motivation. And I can’t forget my husband; he’s pretty incredible and an amazing father, too. I’m really lucky to have them all in my life. This blog will probably be as random as my mind is. It might not always make sense, and it could be hard to follow at times, but that’s me—complicated and a little all over the place. I’m excited to get started and share more. I write poems, too, so expect to see some of those here as well. That’s all for now...
Read more

Agoraphobia

Image
 I’ve been scared to leave my house lately. Sure, I have “safe spots”—my sister’s house, Jason and Grace’s place—but the only place I truly feel at ease is home. When I venture out, my heart races, and I become hyper-vigilant. My inner voice starts whispering worst-case scenarios. I’ll be looking at bananas, and suddenly I’m convinced that a man nearby is a threat, thinking, “He has a gun,” or “He’s going to hurt me.” I know it’s irrational, but my nervous system doesn’t care; it’s in fight-or-flight mode. I remind myself that I’m safe, that it’s all in my head, and that I can face challenges. But my body doesn’t listen. I’m always on guard, struggling to concentrate. Shopping becomes a battle—I’m more focused on scanning for “danger” than on the items in my cart. I can recite the quickest route to the exit without even thinking. Home is my refuge, but that comfort comes with a cost. I miss going out to eat with my family, those spontaneous trips to Target, and the laughter of fami...
Read more

Glimmers

Image
 They say there are these things that are the opposite of a trigger, called glimmers. When you experience a glimmer you feel complete joy. I’ve come to recognize my triggers for sure. Certain people, places, sounds, even smells. But lately I’m looking for glimmers.  Some glimmers I’ve had lately are: - when my kids say they love me. - when Calvin hugs me, really tightly and literally says I love you with his body. - when something fits just right in my hands. - when Luna & Erra cuddle me. - when the kids are in bed, and it’s just me and Calvin and we are talking about our day, no phones, no distractions. - when I’m folding laundry and I smell the laundry detergent. - when I rub my scarf. - when dinner is really good.  - when I feel heard and seen.  - when someone reaches out JUST to let me know they are thinking about me. -when someone has really nice elbows. - when I found out I had autism. This is a weird one I know, but it was such a relief...
Read more