The Shooting.

 8/7/2021. I was at a bar with the husband. I needed a refill, so I went inside to get one, I came back out to find two guys fighting. 

 8/7/2021. I was at a bar with the husband. I needed a refill, so I went inside to get one, I came back out to find two guys fighting. 

One of them threw a chair it barely missed me. I was close enough to see everything. Usually this kind of thing would trigger me and I would walk away, but I just stood there. One of them pulled out a gun there were two shots, one of them in the guys arm. 

There was screaming, and a stampede. I was in shock. I just stood there. There were people pushing me running past me, someone threw me into a wooden post. Then this really, really big guy grabbed me. He held me. I didn’t say a word, I didn’t move. Finally Calvin was able to get to me. 

The cops came, I was still in shock, I spent the evening between dead silence and sobbing, no in between. They encouraged me to go to the hospital, I didn’t. 

The guy didn’t even die, but that night changed me, forever. Hyper-empathy is real, and I will never unsee what I saw that night. I re-live that night frequently. It haunts me. 

I think part of the reason I am so messed up about it, is the autism. We tend to feel, and process things differently. Thank god that guy didn’t die. I don’t know what kind of shape I would be in. 

But I had a nasty flashback about a month and a half ago. It brought me right back to that bar. And ever since I struggle with leaving the house. I struggle with trusting strangers. 

Even the friendly ones that smile at me, I smile back, but I can’t let my guard down. I can’t relax. Hyper vigilant always. 

Hopefully this won’t be the way that I am, but when you stack all the trauma I’ve been through, this is the mess of a human you are left with. Scared, and untrusting. 

I never really talk about the shooting, or why I don’t leave the house. But I’m not here to only put out the sunshine and rainbows, I’m going to share the rain clouds and thunderstorms too. 

Until you read again.