The Struggle to Love Me

I’ve always found it really hard to love myself. I still do. I mean, I’ve always thought of myself as a subpar human being, at best. Growing up with learning disabilities, and later finding out I have ADHD and Autism, I just thought something was wrong with me.

I struggled through life, unable to do basic things that other people could do without thinking twice about it. My brain just worked differently. It always has.

People constantly pointed out how I wasn’t like them. I did it to myself too. “What do you mean you don’t know what 9 x 3 is? That’s easy!” Well, it wasn’t easy for me.

On top of all that, I’ve always struggled with body dysmorphia. Even when I was at my best, I could always pick out the flaws. I’d never look like my cousins or my sisters. Funny enough, looking back, I looked damn good. But now, the body dysmorphia is worse than it’s ever been.

I can’t stand looking in the mirror, shopping for clothes feels like a punishment, and the scale is my worst enemy. I try telling myself that my body created life, that sentimental stuff people say—but it just doesn’t hit home for me.

I know my body doesn’t define who I am. It’s what’s in my heart that really matters. But sometimes I wish I could at least tolerate what I see in the mirror.

The good news is Calvin still loves me. He thinks I’m beautiful inside and out. He looks past what’s on the outside and sees my heart too. God, I love that man.