Blooming Where I’m Stuck

 So, here’s the thing.


You all know I’ve been struggling with agoraphobia. I don’t even count the months anymore, it’s been awhile. 


I’ve lost touch. In every way. I let my fears consume me. And in the process I lost friends. Family.


But in all the loss, I’ve found myself. I’m no longer a question mark to myself, I make SENSE. My “clothesline isn’t broken.” I’m not less than, mediocre, subpar, or any of those things I’ve thought for SO LONG, I’m autistic. I’m a freaking zebra. 


I’m starting to see the light…..


 I carried something around for 20 years, and it was heavy. So heavy that it stunted my growth, I’ve finally set that weight down. I feel 10,000 lbs lighter. 


I’M WRITING A BOOK. TWO ACTUALLY.


I’m doing it. Me. It’s TERRIFYING. But it’s also freeing. These books are my heart, my truth. And I’m putting it all out there for anyone to read. It’s wild. It’s vulnerable. It’s real. It’s me. 


I’m doing it all in the four walls that have trapped me and sheltered me. The same walls I once cursed for keeping me trapped, are the same four walls I’m blooming in. 


These books aren’t just paper and ink. They’re pieces of the girl who never felt like enough, the woman who masked her entire personality around 95% of the world, the mom who kept moming even when she ran out of spoons. They are the bridges between who I was, who I am, and who I’m becoming.  


They’re glimpses of the late night shenanigans, the early morning lunch packing, the “I love yous” that keep me

going. Why I’m fighting so damn hard. It’s for them. 


But also? It’s for me.


I finally realized I deserve to take up space. I deserve to be seen. To be heard. To be understood.


Not just as a wife, or a mom. But as me.


And yeah, it’s scary. It’s messy.

Some days I still wake up and feel like hiding. But I don’t.

Because each word I write, each truth I speak, each story I share… is a step forward.


Maybe I’m not ready to run just yet.

But I’m walking.

And that has to count for something. 


So, here I am—still inside these same four walls, but not the same woman who once felt so small. I’m Growing. Writing. Healing.


And after all this time,

I’m finally ready to step back into the world.

Not as someone else.

But as me.

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