Validation Isn’t Love

 I learned today that seeking validation is a trauma response.


I’m not going to go into detail. But, I was abandoned as a child—over and over again (by my mother.)


I’ve always measured my worth in other people’s eyes. I never felt truly “loved” by her. My own sister barely remembers me from her own childhood memories.


I’m learning to love myself. To not rely so heavily on the opinions of others. I realize now that’s why I’m not fully myself around people—because I have this DEEP fear that if I show my true self… they’ll leave me too. It literally bottles down to fear of abandonment.


So instead, I smile. I nod. I fake it. I fake it until I fucking make it.


Bear with me as I try to unlearn this.


If you’re not here to see me grow, don’t expect to be around when I finally bloom. 🌸

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Pilot

Image
 Hi! I’m Courtney, and this is where I’ll share what’s on my mind and in my heart. A little backstory: I grew up with two learning disabilities and was recently diagnosed with ADHD. Even more recently, I found out I’m autistic (autism level 1). My life has been full of challenges, struggling with things most people don’t even think twice about—social interactions, math, measurements, reading clocks, telling left from right, and so much more. I have two kids, my sun and my moon, who get me up every day—literally and figuratively. They’re my motivation. And I can’t forget my husband; he’s pretty incredible and an amazing father, too. I’m really lucky to have them all in my life. This blog will probably be as random as my mind is. It might not always make sense, and it could be hard to follow at times, but that’s me—complicated and a little all over the place. I’m excited to get started and share more. I write poems, too, so expect to see some of those here as well. That’s all for now...
Read more

Agoraphobia

Image
 I’ve been scared to leave my house lately. Sure, I have “safe spots”—my sister’s house, Jason and Grace’s place—but the only place I truly feel at ease is home. When I venture out, my heart races, and I become hyper-vigilant. My inner voice starts whispering worst-case scenarios. I’ll be looking at bananas, and suddenly I’m convinced that a man nearby is a threat, thinking, “He has a gun,” or “He’s going to hurt me.” I know it’s irrational, but my nervous system doesn’t care; it’s in fight-or-flight mode. I remind myself that I’m safe, that it’s all in my head, and that I can face challenges. But my body doesn’t listen. I’m always on guard, struggling to concentrate. Shopping becomes a battle—I’m more focused on scanning for “danger” than on the items in my cart. I can recite the quickest route to the exit without even thinking. Home is my refuge, but that comfort comes with a cost. I miss going out to eat with my family, those spontaneous trips to Target, and the laughter of fami...
Read more

Glimmers

Image
 They say there are these things that are the opposite of a trigger, called glimmers. When you experience a glimmer you feel complete joy. I’ve come to recognize my triggers for sure. Certain people, places, sounds, even smells. But lately I’m looking for glimmers.  Some glimmers I’ve had lately are: - when my kids say they love me. - when Calvin hugs me, really tightly and literally says I love you with his body. - when something fits just right in my hands. - when Luna & Erra cuddle me. - when the kids are in bed, and it’s just me and Calvin and we are talking about our day, no phones, no distractions. - when I’m folding laundry and I smell the laundry detergent. - when I rub my scarf. - when dinner is really good.  - when I feel heard and seen.  - when someone reaches out JUST to let me know they are thinking about me. -when someone has really nice elbows. - when I found out I had autism. This is a weird one I know, but it was such a relief...
Read more